Okay, Barbara, where we gonna go next?

Well, I don’t know where we should go, I thought you had some stuff to do.

Yeah, well, let’s stop here for a sec and figure this out. You have to pick up new school clothes at the plus-size store for Sarah, and I gotta pick up a new little league jersey for Ray at the plus-size kid’s sports store. So I’ll go down that way and you go down that way, and we’ll meet back here.

Wow. These people behind us are really pushy. Mall people. Jeez.

No, honey, you can’t go to McDonald’s. Your doctor says 256 lbs is too big for a 9-year old girl, so we’ve got to stick to our treat days, which are Monday, Wednesday, Friday, and the weekend. Go with mommy to get new school clothes and maybe we’ll get a small snack after.

Jeez, buddy. Just go around, okay? We’re trying to figure out where we’re going here.

No, Barb, Sears is on that side of the mall. JC Penny’s is on this side.

Ouch! Hey! An excuse me would be nice, fella!

Yes, Barb, I’m sure it’s on that side of the mall. I got the 8- by 10- foot fold-out directory in my pocket. I’ll open it right here in the middle of all these people.

Oops. Wrong way. Guess I’ll have to turn it around.

Wrong away again. Need to turn it the other way.

Oh! Sorry, sir. No, I don’t think you got a papercut. I’m pretty sure that cut was on your forehead before.

Oh, look at that. Sears is on this side, and JC Penny’s is on that side.

Okay, everybody got that? One hour. Then we’ll meet back here, right where we’re standing.

At the foot of the escalator.

Oh, yeah. Dude. I’m so high. I had this fattie and I so smoked it. And then Troy was like, “Dude. you totally smoked that whole thing” and I was like, “Dude!”

Dude.

You want some of this? It’s my new recipe, and dude, it is so awesome. I can’t believe I never thought of this before. I had, like, spaghetti noodles, but I was like, “Dude, there’s so no sauce here.” But we had, like, Ranch dressing. So I put it on there, and it’s totally perfect together. I call it “White Spaghetti.” Dude, you gotta try it. C’mon, dude; stop throwing up and eat some of this. Fine, dude, I’ll just set it down in the corner here where I can forget about it for about a week and a half, is that cool?

I was trying to watch your Usual Suspects DVD, but dude, it was stuck on this one scene. Just kept showing all those dudes standing in a line, and like looping the same music over and over again. Dude, I was tripping balls. It had, like, all these words on the screen like “Play Movie” and “Selected Scenes” and shit? I think the DVD player’s broken, dude. So I took it out and tried to use my lighter to, you know, like burn all the dirt off and stuff. And it made this like really cool pattern on the shiny part; it was so awesome. So I went through your whole DVD collection and did, like, art, on them or something.

Dude, look at your cat! He’s like so high right now. I tried to get him to smoke this with me, but I couldn’t like get him to stick the end in his little kitty mouth – I think he’s like retarded or something – so I just blew in his face until he was so high. Dude, he’s been tripping over stuff for like the last half-hour. His eyes are so bloodshot! It was so funny, dude – every time I blew this in his face he like totally went over to the pile of your laundry and peed on it. Totally! I did it like six or seven times, and he just kept peeing on it! So funny, dude.

Hey, I know it’s like 2 a.m., but do you happen to be going to that White Castle in Queens? Could you get me something?

What the hell you think you doin’? You can’t just pick me up and start squeezin’ me all over your turkey sammich! Jeez. I’m mustard, not ketchup, ya dumb f*ck.

Oh, you think ’cause I’m not that fancy Deli shit you can treat me like a Jersey chick? C’mon. Have a little class.

You gotta pick me up nice, pick yer spot, y’know? Appreciate my mouth-waterin’ flavors ‘n stuff. I may be a condiment, but I got feelings, yeah? Gotta be careful with me, otherwise I’m gonna piss that watery shit all over your bread on the first squeeze.

Just kidding. I’m gonna do that anyway.