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If a dream really is a wish your heart makes, does that mean my heart’s secret desire is to be chased naked by my junior high science teacher and her army of giant mutant crabs?

Mystery solved.

I looked it up, and the correct way to spell the phrase that follows “I am the walrus” is…

Very tired but want to tell you about this amazing insight I just had cause I’m not sure I’ll remember it in the morning. I believe that the meaning we as a species have been looking for can possibly be found in gbbbbbbbbbbbbbbbbbbbbbbbbbbbbbbbbbbbbb

Ah, that time of year has come at last.

Every year, around this time, exciting red and blue and green packages appear on the shelves at my local Albertson’s. And every year, around this time, I buy one of those shiny foil-covered boxes, remove one of the contents, and eagerly eat it.

And every year, around this time, I spit the contents of the box out of my mouth and say, “Motherf*cker! Gross!”

That’s right. I’m talking about Cadbury eggs.

Bradley can’t answer, but maybe somebody else can: Exactly what are the qualifications necessary to represent the LBC? And don’t they take your qualifications away if they find out that your woman spreads her lovin’ all over and you don’t do anything about it?

I had a dream last night. I dreamt I had sideburns. Not just sideburns; big, beautiful muttonchops that everybody was jealous of.

The lavatory at work just got one of these new-fangled paper towel dispensers with the electric eye. Y’know, the kind you wave your hand in front of to get your four-square-inch towel.

Does anybody else ever feel like they’re performing the Jedi Mind Trick on those things?

In honor of Smivey: Electric-eye paper towel dispensers, you suck.

I’ve never understood the phrase “You can’t have your cake and it it too.”

What else is a cake used for? If I can’t eat it, why would I want it in the first damn place?

Unless, of course, the maxim means “have” in the carnal sense. In which case I can’t imaging wanting to eat the cake after I was done “having” it.

But I don’t find confection to be a turn-on, much less a sexual partner.

Odd.