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If a dream really is a wish your heart makes, does that mean my heart’s secret desire is to be chased naked by my junior high science teacher and her army of giant mutant crabs?

Ha!  A second lolcat.  I’m on a roll now.

 

I have officially created my first lolcat. Don’t know what a lolcat is? Neither did I.

Hey, I got the greatest deal. I got a Nikon D200 at the camera shop for only three thousand bucks. The guy said it was worth like, twice that. And then I got a couple of lenses for it – well, six lenses, actually. I figure, if I’m going to drop three grand on a camera, I should spend money on premium “glass,” as the guy at the camera shop called it. So I got this sweet 18-55mm that came with the camera, plus this real big one right here, something called a fisheye, this one with the nifty thinger on it, and one that zooms to like 800m and requires its own tripod.

Mystery solved.

I looked it up, and the correct way to spell the phrase that follows “I am the walrus” is…

Very tired but want to tell you about this amazing insight I just had cause I’m not sure I’ll remember it in the morning. I believe that the meaning we as a species have been looking for can possibly be found in gbbbbbbbbbbbbbbbbbbbbbbbbbbbbbbbbbbbbb

I met her in the Apple Store. That’s how I first knew we had something in common.

I caught her gorgeous black eye out of the corner of mine. She was staring at me, openly and boldly, as if daring me to make a move.

I knew I shouldn’t. I was committed already, to one who had always been true to me, always there for me, and who was possessed of a certain sexy quality as well. It would be madness of me to risk what I already had.

But I couldn’t help myself.

Dude, I’m so high right now. I’m so high! Dude, I smoked like… uh… what?

Oh, yeah. Dude. I’m so high. I had this fattie and I so smoked it. And then Troy was like, “Dude. you totally smoked that whole thing” and I was like, “Dude!”

Dude.

You want some of this? It’s my new recipe, and dude, it is so awesome. I can’t believe I never thought of this before. I had, like, spaghetti noodles, but I was like, “Dude, there’s so no sauce here.” But we had, like, Ranch dressing. So I put it on there, and it’s totally perfect together. I call it “White Spaghetti.” Dude, you gotta try it. C’mon, dude; stop throwing up and eat some of this. Fine, dude, I’ll just set it down in the corner here where I can forget about it for about a week and a half, is that cool?

Ah, that time of year has come at last.

Every year, around this time, exciting red and blue and green packages appear on the shelves at my local Albertson’s. And every year, around this time, I buy one of those shiny foil-covered boxes, remove one of the contents, and eagerly eat it.

And every year, around this time, I spit the contents of the box out of my mouth and say, “Motherf*cker! Gross!”

That’s right. I’m talking about Cadbury eggs.

I hate how dry it gets this time of year.

I had to get up to turn the humidifier on the other night just to get a little sleep. When it gets this arid, and sinuses dry up, a funny thing happens. My girlfriend begins to make this horrible noise in her sleep. It’s so loud it wakes me up a few times a night.

The noise she makes sounds like:

“Honey, stop snoring. I can’t sleep with you making that racket. Turn over or something.”