Ask Pip: Dance club locomotion

Dear Pip: How does one move through a dance club while avoiding the risk of engaging in physical combat?

The proper way involves a technique known in the industry as the “suspended hand-chop.” The walking-through-nightclubs industry, that is.

The suspended hand chop involves holding one’s forearm parallel to the torso, with your hand directly in front of your right eye (southpaws may reverse this). The hand itself has the first two fingers extended fully, and the other two lightly sinking towards the floor (this avoids the impression that you are waving at somebody). Relax your fingers so that you’re not accidentally mistaken for somebody who knows wing-chun.

The hand-chop hand (right, for the purposes of this tutorial) is used to edge one’s way through the crowd with minimal jarring. Follow your chop hand through the crowd, adjusting your body to provide minimal surface area for collision. This allows you to “cut through” the crowd, walking when possible, but reverting to a sideways shuffle when necessary.

Your chop-hand stays roughly in this position until you reach your destination. It is used to protect your face and upper body from particularly vigorous dancers or people gesticulating wildly without thought for the safety of others. Mutter “excuse me, pardon me, sorry” repeatedly.

IMPORTANT: Avoid travelling with a drink whenever possible. If this is unavoidable, hold the drink in your non-chop hand, near your waist or lower torso, to discourage accidental spillage. Additionally, curl your arm protectively around the drink as much as possible.

If you should happen to spill your drink on someone, take the following two steps to avoid confrontation:

1) Turn around immediately and look behind you for the person (real or imaginary) that bumped you and caused you to spill the drink. If this person is fictional, be sure to mutter, “asshole bumped me” as you turn around to face your potential assailent.

2) Apologize and assure your spill victim that all you spilled was water. Do this only if the glass is reasonably empty. They won’t be able to tell that it’s not water in the dark, and by the time they receive the dry cleaner’s bill, you’ll be a hazy, alcohol-befuddled memory.