Interview

I recently applied for a job that I want very badly, and conducted an initial phone interview with one of their HR people. I transcribed the contents of the call, and was hoping I could get some reader feedback on how it went.

(phone rings)

Me: Hello?

HR Guy: Hi. Is this… (sound of papers shuffling)… Pip?

Me: …

HR Guy: Hello?

Me: Is this Chris Hansen?

HR Guy: Er… no.

Me: Oh. Then yes, this is Pip.

HR Guy: Okay, this is Dave, from stricken for confidentiality:

Me: stricken for confidentiality? That’s a weird name.

HR Guy: Okay, well…

Me: I mean, how do you put the strikethrough in when you’re talking like that?

HR Guy: Well, I…

Me: Wait, let me try it. Oh, hey! It works!

HR Guy: Am I speaking to the right person? Are you sure this is Pip?

Me: Hang on, let me check my underwear. (a snap, a cry of pain) Yep. Says so right here.

Annoyed HR Guy: Okay, well…

Me: My mother wrote it there herself.

HR Guy: Charming… I’d like to start by asking you a few questions about your resumé.

Me: Technically, I think the ´ goes over the first e as well: résumé.

HR Guy: …

Me: Go on.

HR Guy: It says here that you’re currently employed as a … (sound of papers shuffling)… 12th… level… paladin? Am I saying this right?

Me: Paladin, yes.

HR Guy: I can’t say I’ve ever heard of that particular job title. What exactly are the duties of a paladin?

Me: Well, basically, I’m in security.

HR Guy: Like… a guard?

Me: More like head of security. I cast all of the protection spells, and provide all of the necessary talismans.

HR Guy: Is this a joke?

Me: No, no, I take it very seriously. Without me, we’d have been overrun by Orcs last Thursday.

HR Guy: This is ridiculous.

Me: Says the guy who doesn’t know what a Paladin is. Geez, how stupid can you be?

Annoyed HR Guy: Okay, this isn’t really a job.

Me: Says you. My LARP clan pays me 450 gold pieces a week.

Still Annoyed HR Guy: I’m guessing that’s not real money.

Me: Define “money.”

Really Annoyed HR Guy: Money. Currency you can exchange for goods.

Me: I bought a new Staff of Ages just this past Tuesday.

Supremely Annoyed HR Guy: Real goods. Stuff that actually exists.

Me: I traded a guy 2000 gold pieces for his vintage Tron poster. Does that count?

Resigned HR Guy: Fine. Whatever.

Me: You’re not very good at this, are you?

Surprised HR Guy: Excuse me?

Me: At convincing me to take the job.

HR Guy: It’s not my job to convince you to take the job.

Me: Well, we’ll just have to agree to disagree.

HR Guy: But…

Me: You recruited me.

HR Guy: What? You sent us your resumé. Seventeen times.

Me: résumé.

HR Guy: …

Me: Anyway, my point is this: You were the one who put your job on my Monster.com page.

HR Guy: Those are… but… oh, forget it.

Me: Okay.

HR Guy: Look, this is just a shot in the dark, but is your mom around?

Me: Sure, let me just untie her.

HR Guy: What?

(muffled sounds)

My mother: Hello? You’ve got to help me. I’m in a basement. I can hear water running…

(more muffled sounds)

Me: She can’t come to the phone right now.

HR Guy: Look, do you or do you not have experience in “online marketing and digital strategy?”

Me: Sure I do. Lots of it. At least 10 years worth.

HR Guy: You do?

Me: Yeah, I buy from Amazon all the time.

HR Guy: Oh, fuck this action. I quit.

Me: …

HR Guy: …

Me: …

HR Guy: …

Me: …

HR Guy: …

Me: So… is your job available, then?

(dial tone)

So.. what do you guys think? Pretty good, right?