Monologue: Mall Dad

Okay, Barbara, where we gonna go next?

Well, I don’t know where we should go, I thought you had some stuff to do.

Yeah, well, let’s stop here for a sec and figure this out. You have to pick up new school clothes at the plus-size store for Sarah, and I gotta pick up a new little league jersey for Ray at the plus-size kid’s sports store. So I’ll go down that way and you go down that way, and we’ll meet back here.

Wow. These people behind us are really pushy. Mall people. Jeez.

No, honey, you can’t go to McDonald’s. Your doctor says 256 lbs is too big for a 9-year old girl, so we’ve got to stick to our treat days, which are Monday, Wednesday, Friday, and the weekend. Go with mommy to get new school clothes and maybe we’ll get a small snack after.

Jeez, buddy. Just go around, okay? We’re trying to figure out where we’re going here.

No, Barb, Sears is on that side of the mall. JC Penny’s is on this side.

Ouch! Hey! An excuse me would be nice, fella!

Yes, Barb, I’m sure it’s on that side of the mall. I got the 8- by 10- foot fold-out directory in my pocket. I’ll open it right here in the middle of all these people.

Oops. Wrong way. Guess I’ll have to turn it around.

Wrong away again. Need to turn it the other way.

Oh! Sorry, sir. No, I don’t think you got a papercut. I’m pretty sure that cut was on your forehead before.

Oh, look at that. Sears is on this side, and JC Penny’s is on that side.

Okay, everybody got that? One hour. Then we’ll meet back here, right where we’re standing.

At the foot of the escalator.