Cool Blog Name » celebrities

How To… Make Your Own Media Baby

Pip — Fri, 26 Oct 2007 03:14:19 +0000

Because the world doesn’t have enough screwed-up kids.

Dear Geena Davis

Pip — Mon, 01 Oct 2007 06:48:26 +0000

Stop having plastic surgery.

Now.

Dear Pax Thien,

Pip — Fri, 30 Mar 2007 11:24:35 +0000

Dear Latest Paparazzi Distraction,

Congratulations on winning the “Angelina Jolie Third-World Child Adoption” sweepstakes. You will now be treated to the life of a normal American child…

Except that your mother will never be home, you’ll have more money than God, and your every footfall will be recorded by the media for the viewing entertainment of about 3 billion people.Â But other than that, completely normal.

Given your incredible good-fortune, it’s only natural that you should want to pass this good luck along to the less fortunate, right?

So here’s what I’m going to do. I’m going to mail you a nifty little toy with all kinds of buttons and pretty lights on it. No, don’t eat it! It’s called a video camera, and what I need you to do is press the button with the little red circle on it, and wander into your new mommy’s bedroom when you start to hear the funny breathing noises coming through the walls.

Mr. Pip, your new friend, wants a new house, and all you need to do is mail the little plastic rectangle in the camera to me when you’re done so I can sell it for a gazillion dollars.

Yes! A gazillion! And in return, you can tell everybody that you know the famous Mr. Pip of Cool Blog Name fame. Trust me, kid, knowing a celebrity like me will open doors for you that ordinarily would be closed to you, what with your normal American life.

I knew you’d understand.

Love,
Pip

Dear Mr. Combs

Pip — Wed, 28 Mar 2007 11:11:01 +0000

Dear P. Did, no.. wait. Puff Diddy? No, Puffy Did? No. Sean Diddy? No, wait. Piddy, Puff Pid, Duffy… Pud…

Oh, fuck it already.

Love,

Pip

Elton Octopus

Pip — Tue, 02 Jan 2007 20:38:26 +0000

Doc Ock and Elton John. Coincidence? I think not.

Have you ever seen them in a room together? Not I.

Summertime inquiry

Pip — Wed, 28 Jun 2006 00:10:55 +0000

Bradley can’t answer, but maybe somebody else can: Exactly what are the qualifications necessary to represent the LBC? And don’t they take your qualifications away if they find out that your woman spreads her lovin’ all over and you don’t do anything about it?

An ode to NIN

Pip — Thu, 11 May 2006 00:28:00 +0000

I’m hearing your song
On the line
Keep getting it on 101.9
I turn the dial
My surprise
That crap is also blaring out of 98.5.

Just how long does it have to be?
Goes until my ears both bleed.
Please expand your vocabulary.
No, Trent, seriously.
How many times does this repeat?
Will you please change it?

Just how long does it have to be?
Goes until my ears both bleed. (132x)